For Sale in Arkansas: Conversation Pieces

Buyers! These dramatic stairs are a conversation piece! Just think of the conversations you'll be having with yourself when your little dog refuses to come in at night after his potty break. You'll be saying all sorts of words while you tumble down these stairs in the darkness in your quest to bring him back in.

When you're lying at the bottom, with a broken leg and no cellphone because it's recharging in the kitchen, you can look up at the house and holler for your wife. She'll be irritated that you're taking so long to find the dog, but she won't come out looking for you for at least 30 minutes. Even then, she'll just crack the back door open and yell out into the darkness, demanding to know what's taking so long. Then, when she hears your anguished cries, she'll come down the stairs carefully and scold you for getting injured. That's how it works, you know. This will be your view as you watch her angelic form descending the deadly stairs.

Weeks later, after you've put this house with all it's bone-breaking memories up for sale, you'll be looking for properties in adjacent neighborhoods and you'll find this:

That's a giant rock. A rock in the rec room. Now THAT's a conversation piece.

For Sale in Arkansas: House full of Furniture that Seems Alive

This property starts off innocuous enough. Look at this perfectly normal kitchen. Aside from the tiled countertops--which I strenuously dislike--it's just fine.

But then, look! Look in the next room! Do you see them? What do you mean you don't see them? There are four of them, right there!

RIGHT. THERE. Looming in between the windows! Okay, wait. Yes, you're right. Those are curtains. I swear, they look just like those crazy black ghosts that are trying to eat Frodo in the Lord of the Rings movies.  You have to forgive me. There are so many unusual shapes in this room; I was befuddled. Look at the drapey, extra-long red velvety tablecloth on that table to the left. What's it hiding under that long skirt? And those wooden chairs to each side of the fireplace. They're so curvy that they seem like they're undulating. And the glistening stripes on the couch go without me needing to point them out.

Plus, that plant in the left-hand corner looks like dozens of fingery hands. This room is creeping me out. Here's another shot of the room:

In this one you can see that the undulating wooden chairs have some sort of pattern on them. I like that. It makes them even more unusual. And the coffee table! Look at that coffee table. It and the hearth have long talks at night. The hearth brings the atmosphere and the coffee table brings the booze.

Faux finishing on the walls and more aggressive drapes. Y'all know I love that crazy mess. I'm  captivated by the big black and silver jug on the table. After leaving that other room, that jug looks a little suspect to me. I want to know what's in it, if anything. I mean, I know they usually display these things empty, but like I said, I'm suspect.  I think a genie is in it.

These people really like shapes, don't they? Look at the shapes in those chairs, and the shapes all over the drapes and the jug itself. I feel kind of like I'm hallucinating. The chandelier with the pretend-candle lights is entirely glorious. I love gold-colored stuff in houses--doorknobs, etc--and this chandelier is just up my alley.

These drapes look friendly and Santa-Claus-ish, but they're also long and full enough for someone to hide inside of. What's most interesting about this room is the ceiling. Look up there at it! It seems to be faux-painted in reds and greens! Incidentally, that little glass-topped table looks like it's about to walk away on its nice thick legs.

Now this is gorgeous. Gorgeous! I would love to sit up here and look down at that beautiful garden area. Yep, I'd sit up here and drink my afternoon bottle of wine and next thing you know I'd roll right off of that bench that has no back and no rails around it. Crash! Right into the foliage.

Why you'd need to put one mirror against another mirror is a little beyond me, but since the imposing mirror has a nice heavy ornate gold frame, I find it acceptable. Pleasing even. And look at the fixtures. They're gold! I love them. And the picture frame in the background But look, look: WHAT IS THAT? You see it, don't you? What is that urn-thingie in the background? Why is there an urn in the bathroom? That kind of gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Okay, that's it. I firmly believe that a grown-up goth lives here.  You know the kind. She's totally not really a sad goth anymore but out of a kind of permanent nostalgia for her youth she dyes her hair a little darker than natural and wears maroon lipstick that's almost black, and her children bring their unusual pets for show-and-tell at your kid's school. Her. That's who lives here.

Final Verdict: Honey, I couldn't even examine the house. I was too mesmerized by the stuff in it. Almost all of her furniture looks like it could come to life and walk away if it wanted to.

For Sale in Arkansas: The House of Weird Photos

Hi! Are you thinking about buying this house? Here's what you'll see when you open the front door, but only if you open it just a little bit, like you're kind of timid and you don't want the water man to see what-all's going on inside your den.

This spacious den features an assortment of small tables and one orange chair.

Do you know what that orange chair is for?

It's for sitting all alone in the den and watching your family while they gather round the kitchen table and enjoy each others' company. Look at 'em there, sitting in their cool zebra-print dining chairs, smiling and chatting and eating their dinners like all is right in the world. Slouch back into your orange chair just a little bit more, and splay your legs out in front of you across the white area rug. Clink the ice in your bourbon a little bit and narrow your eyes. Smoking is optional.

OKAY, okay, I'l be fair: it's probable that these people had already moved their sofas out of the house for some reason and had to stage the room the best they could with just this one orange chair. But...it's odd. I love the orange paint in the dining area (it's very hard to find a nice orange paint, and orange is my favorite color so I'd know) and the house overall is lovely.

Final Verdict: I'll make an offer if both the orange chair and the zebra dining set convey.

For Sale in Arkansas: Spanish Fortress

This house looks like a lovely Spanish villa and a bank got together and had a baby.

Yes, I'm teasing this house. But can you deny that this looks like an architectural love child between Penelope Cruz and a bank? You can't. Anyway, all it really needs is better landscaping and it wouldn't look so much like a bank. See? In this up-close pic you can tell the house is actually very nice-looking:

If you can believe it, this house is ONLY GETTING BETTER. Sure, the outside might not woo me, but INSIDE? Inside is a trove of wonders. Check out this office:

Are you seeing this? Are you seeing it? I mean, look at that room. First, it's got the faux finish all over the place. And then it's got arches near the ceiling, and the floor is the precise color and finish as the faux finish all over the walls...the only thing that could make this better is if the ceiling were also faux finished. I want the whole room to be like a big suede jewelry box, and I'm in it! 

And scroll back up and look at that LAMP! It's one of those floor lamps that reaches out across the room and this one has little nubby orange light bulbs in it. There's also some kind of brown stripper pole looking thing in that room. Before I make an offer on this house, I have to make sure the lamp conveys. 

Those windows are wonderful, but your maid is going to need a jet pack to get up there to clean them. So, just keep that in mind.

Now, look at this!

There's a cast-iron wood-burning stove with a long, long, long stovepipe. So long as to be, in my humble opinion, comical. And for crying out loud people, turn the television off before you take these realty photos! Spongebob isn't really adding to the ambiance. 

Final Verdict: This house needs too much landscaping on the outside (for my tastes) and although it has that wonderful weird tan suede room, it's not the one for me. Scratch it off the list. 

For Sale in Arkansas: Simulate Your Own Hibachi

This kitchen is really not totally sufficient for the hibachi-like experience I think they're trying to capture, because although they've got the seating right, the actual hibachi is missing. Oh well.

But really: bar seating for eight? And those look like good quality chairs, too. I'm picturing some harried mom in here in the mornings trying to slop milk into eight cereal bowls while kids climb all over those chairs like mice on a wheel in the pet store.

Final Verdict: Dear God, please never put me in a position in life where I need to seat eight people at my breakfast bar on a regular basis.

For Sale in Arkansas: Magnificent Black Bathroom

I feel absolutely delirious from this one. It's remarkable and I love it.

Look at that wallpaper! Not only is the base color black--very daring--but the pattern is absolutely dazzling. It's almost impossible to focus your eyes when you look at it. In fact, it kind of looks like someone mis-used the clone tool all over it.

And these people went all the way with this bathroom, too. The black toilet, the black pedestal sink--it's all over-the-top. It's so delightfully tacky that it shoots all the way PAST tacky and becomes something that I desperately love. The only things that could have made this bathroom more amazing would be if the baseboard was also painted black and if the mirror had a heavy-looking, opulent, golden picture-frame around it. And I guess the floor should also be black. Or gold.

Final Verdict: Honey, I covet this bathroom. Be prepared for the day that I whip out this picture and demand you replicate it this look in our own home.

For Sale in Arkansas: Wallpaper

We don't need to see the rest of the house. It doesn't matter. What matters is this wallpaper. No, no --hush. You misunderstand me. I ~love~ the wallpaper. I'm not one of those modern women who shuns wallpaper. I love looking at mesmerizing patterns.

Final Verdict: Honey, believe it or not you don't have to paint over this.

For Sale in Arkansas: House with Adorable Nursery

This place has got some lovely decor. I'm serious. The people who live here have "an eye," as they say.

I mean, look at this child's room. It looks like it came from a magazine:

Here's a nicely done kitchen. Only if the washboard conveys! If you don't make a legal commitment to leave it behind, we're walking away from this deal.

Here's what Husband and I refer to as a "Proclamation Deck." Husband is always on the lookout for a good proclamation deck when he's shopping for properties. From up there, he could stand and address his people, who would, of course, all be gathered below, in rapt attention.

Final verdict: I'd put it on the list, as long as they leave the washboard and everything in the nursery. I don't care that the nursery is full of memories that the homeowners would probably like to take with them, and that I no longer have an infant. That nursery is perfect and should be left intact.

For Sale in Arkansas: The Island of Dr. Moreau

There's really only one thing "wrong" with this place, and the front of the building is NOT it.

Sure it's got a little bit of an unusual look to it, but it's okay. I thought at first that it was a giant corrugated tin building, which would have been a Very Bad Thing, but this seems to be some sort of wood siding, painted dark green. The shape of the building is a little unusual, but it has character.

But here, in this closer shot of the front door, you may be able to detect the "problem" with this property--the problem that led me to name it The Island of Dr. Moreau:

Do you see all the metal bars across the whole door area? Here, from the inside, the problem is overwhelming:

I am absolutely confident I'd feel imprisoned in that room. I'd feel like a caged bird, seriously, folks. Seriously. Why all the bars? I mean, has anyone seen the Dr. Moreau movie lately? The buildings look similar to this. What is running wild on this property that warrants all this security? I'd say zombies, but we all know that's just Hollywood nonsense. So what is it? WHAT? Wild animals? Wild people? Criminals? Animal-Person Hybrids?

And then the delicate furniture is such a contrast. If there were bars all over the windows but the furniture was rugged too, for some reason I think that would not be as viscerally upsetting. I mean, look at this precious little chandelier:

Here apparently are some delicate, refined people who've been trying to live in some crazy property where wild animals are constantly trying to burst in on them while they're taking their tea. I guess they've decided they can't take it any more and are finally trying to sell and move to a place where all they have to deal with is raccoons in the trash cans.

Final Verdict: I'm not adventurous enough to move into this property. Mark it off the list.