For Sale: Idiocy

There is something Escher-esque about this place. I can't quite tell what it is, but something makes the atmosphere in here seem like I might fall over for no reason at all. Is it the leopard-print light globes? No, it is not. It's not the countertops, either. It's something else. It's strange, the ambiance in here. The den seems simultaneously lifted and yet strangely shallow, as if the ceilings were designed with short people in mind. In fact, the more I look at it, it seems as if I would whang my head into the ceiling over there by the fireplace. The whirring ceiling fan looks like it could chop my head off! Why'd they hang it so low?

Ohh, my gosh. Oh, oh oh. Oh my goodness. Good heavens. Are you seeing what I'm seeing? It's not that the ceiling fan is low. It's that the fireplace is high. Is that...is that a floating fireplace? What the heck is up with that? Who wants a fireplace hearth floating 12 inches off the floor? Who wants a fireplace mantel that is as high as the tops of the windows? What the hell is this?

Honey, I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that this house will still be standing unsold a year from now. That floating fireplace is the stupidest looking thing I've seen in a long time. WHY would they do this? I'm thinking the workmen did it wrong and the builder just rubbed his forehead and said, "Someone will buy it. Someone will confuse this mistake with innovation and buy the house anyway." And he may be right. But seriously. Okay, so, now the homeowner has to vacuum under this thing. Also, if there's a toddler in the family, the parents must purchase double the number of hearth bumpers. Thirdly, people are going to try to sit on that. Do you think that thing is strong enough to support the weight of people? It's going to rip right off of the wall, and then the fireplace will look even stupider, probably. What a bad, bad mistake this is.

I'm passing on this house, honey. It is definitely off the list. And every time we drive by it, from now until the end of time, I will wonder about who's living in that house and what they think of this stupid hearth. 

For Sale at Thanksgiving: We Could Make a Life Here

Yeah, man. This is the pad. I mean, the rent is right. Bill used to live in this house, but he's gone now, off adjuncting somewhere, but I'm still here and the Graduate Teaching Assistantship pays the bills, yanowhatimean. Well, my paycheck combined with Susan's, that is.

Yep, this is the place. I can't wait to move my stuff in to this room and start really creating. Look at this space! It's inspiring. Those little windows are awesome. One opens up into nothing--just a piece of board with some cloth hanging over it--and the other one opens into the kitchen. Like a pass-through.  Speaking of passing, can you pass that back to me? Thanks.

Check it: that's my hat. When I wear that hat and shuffle around this house with a whiskey and water in my hand, I get the sensation, you know? The spirit of the writer. Susan insisted on those bedside tables. They're nice, though.

Here's the kitchen. Susan's always saying the cabinets are too low and she can't see what she's doing when she's trying to make things on the countertop. Hey, nothing's perfect, right? And it's not like she's cooking anything complex; I mean, how closely do you have to examine a kale salad? You just throw the stuff in the bowl, really.

Hey, maybe you can settle this debate. Do you think that used to be a window, there, in between the other two windows? Susan says yes, but I think it was an artistic choice to design the wall that way. 

And yes, the piece de resistance: look at this yard. Can you imagine the parties we'll have out here? I have real visions for this piece of land. I'm going to fix up those little toolsheds and rake and get everything set up just perfectly. 

Final Verdict: Honey, remember grad school? It all came back a little too vividly when I looked at the pictures of this house. Let's mark it off the list.

For Sale at Thanksgiving: Who's Bringing the Wine?

Yes, please. Have you ever seen such striking carpet? That color is called "Wine," I believe.  I enjoy guzzling wine, but I usually choose white because after I get sloppy and spill wine all over the rug, nobody notices. This would allow me to drink Merlot and slosh it all over the place if I wanted to. I like that idea. Combine that carpet with the filigree iron curlicues and I'm in love. But only if the sunburst clock conveys.

Oh, there's more? Now, some of this doesn't work for me. When I get sloppy on Merlot, I don't know if I want to try to monkey with all these light fixtures. Just give me one choice and BAM on comes the light. Here I've got a pole lamp with little lanterns (3 switches, I presume, from which to choose), a table lamp, an overhead fan with three light bulbs but two pull-cords and you just know I'm going to pull the wrong one and have to get all flustered by that when the fan starts turning. Then there's the entryway light. 

And then, once I get all the lights on, I'll see myself reflected about ten-thousand times in all those mirrors. But only from the chin down. Then someone'll come swinging in through those saloon doors and I'm just going to be overcome by the absurdity of it all and spill wine all over the rug while I bust out laughing. 

Final Verdict: This place would really bring out the alcoholic in me, Honey. I don't know if that's what we really want in this stage of our marriage. Let's mark it off the list.

For Sale in Arkansas: Spanish Fortress

This house looks like a lovely Spanish villa and a bank got together and had a baby.

Yes, I'm teasing this house. But can you deny that this looks like an architectural love child between Penelope Cruz and a bank? You can't. Anyway, all it really needs is better landscaping and it wouldn't look so much like a bank. See? In this up-close pic you can tell the house is actually very nice-looking:

If you can believe it, this house is ONLY GETTING BETTER. Sure, the outside might not woo me, but INSIDE? Inside is a trove of wonders. Check out this office:

Are you seeing this? Are you seeing it? I mean, look at that room. First, it's got the faux finish all over the place. And then it's got arches near the ceiling, and the floor is the precise color and finish as the faux finish all over the walls...the only thing that could make this better is if the ceiling were also faux finished. I want the whole room to be like a big suede jewelry box, and I'm in it! 

And scroll back up and look at that LAMP! It's one of those floor lamps that reaches out across the room and this one has little nubby orange light bulbs in it. There's also some kind of brown stripper pole looking thing in that room. Before I make an offer on this house, I have to make sure the lamp conveys. 

Those windows are wonderful, but your maid is going to need a jet pack to get up there to clean them. So, just keep that in mind.

Now, look at this!

There's a cast-iron wood-burning stove with a long, long, long stovepipe. So long as to be, in my humble opinion, comical. And for crying out loud people, turn the television off before you take these realty photos! Spongebob isn't really adding to the ambiance. 

Final Verdict: This house needs too much landscaping on the outside (for my tastes) and although it has that wonderful weird tan suede room, it's not the one for me. Scratch it off the list. 

For Sale in Arkansas: The Island of Dr. Moreau

There's really only one thing "wrong" with this place, and the front of the building is NOT it.

Sure it's got a little bit of an unusual look to it, but it's okay. I thought at first that it was a giant corrugated tin building, which would have been a Very Bad Thing, but this seems to be some sort of wood siding, painted dark green. The shape of the building is a little unusual, but it has character.

But here, in this closer shot of the front door, you may be able to detect the "problem" with this property--the problem that led me to name it The Island of Dr. Moreau:

Do you see all the metal bars across the whole door area? Here, from the inside, the problem is overwhelming:

I am absolutely confident I'd feel imprisoned in that room. I'd feel like a caged bird, seriously, folks. Seriously. Why all the bars? I mean, has anyone seen the Dr. Moreau movie lately? The buildings look similar to this. What is running wild on this property that warrants all this security? I'd say zombies, but we all know that's just Hollywood nonsense. So what is it? WHAT? Wild animals? Wild people? Criminals? Animal-Person Hybrids?

And then the delicate furniture is such a contrast. If there were bars all over the windows but the furniture was rugged too, for some reason I think that would not be as viscerally upsetting. I mean, look at this precious little chandelier:

Here apparently are some delicate, refined people who've been trying to live in some crazy property where wild animals are constantly trying to burst in on them while they're taking their tea. I guess they've decided they can't take it any more and are finally trying to sell and move to a place where all they have to deal with is raccoons in the trash cans.

Final Verdict: I'm not adventurous enough to move into this property. Mark it off the list.