For Sale in Summertime: Fabulous Chandeliers

Darling, sometimes a woman just wants something ~special~ in her house. Something to make it more magnificent, you know? I know we're not made of money. I'm not asking for the Taj Mahal. But some special touches could be nice. Like, have a look at this room, honey. The furniture is average--unusually informal for a formal dining room, in fact--but there's something else, some decor element that really kicks it up a notch despite the pipe-and-velour chairs. It's the chandelier. See how that really adds some flair? And look at that white carpet. One doesn't commit to white carpet unless one knows she is planning on keeping the place pristine. I can keep a house pristine. Shut up.

Anyway, I was thinking, the lady who has put this place up for sale really recognized something awesome in that chandelier, because she has one in the formal den, too.  All the furniture in here is lovely and funky. Kind of sad that formal dens are going the way of the Dodo. That chandelier is like the ice cubes in the bourbon, isn't it? I think I love these chandeliers. And white carpet in here, too. I wonder how pristine the dog's paws are after he comes in from the yard. Well, the carpets are probably scotch-guarded, right?

Wow. Yes, I admit it: I'm surprised by this. A crystal chandelier in the kitchen nook? And with gold accents, too. That really is a bit decadent, isn't it? Hmm. Yes, I agree, honey. That might be one chandelier too many. Sure, sure. If we buy this house, you can take that one down.

Oh, for crying out loud. A chandelier in the bedroom? Well, it looks like it was a child's bedroom. Little girls often love that frilly, princessy stuff. I mean, she was probably so enamored by the chandeliers in the common rooms that she begged for one for in here. We'll ask our child if she wants it. If not, by all means, take it down. It has just occurred to me that someone has to dust these things and that someone is me. The fewer intricate glass chandeliers I have to dust, the better.  Plus, how much illumination did this child need? I spy a bedside lamp AND sconces. Are those real sconces with real wax candles in them? I hope the little dear was never allowed to light those.

All right. This is. It's just. Yes. Take it down. In fact, I'm starting to think I want them all to come down. If we make an offer on the house, maybe we should suggest the owner take these with her. I'm starting to think she must be a Chandelier-Maker's Daughter and these things must have sentimental value to her or something.

No, honey, there were no shots of the light fixtures in the bathrooms or kitchen. 

For Sale at Thanksgiving: Who's Bringing the Wine?

Yes, please. Have you ever seen such striking carpet? That color is called "Wine," I believe.  I enjoy guzzling wine, but I usually choose white because after I get sloppy and spill wine all over the rug, nobody notices. This would allow me to drink Merlot and slosh it all over the place if I wanted to. I like that idea. Combine that carpet with the filigree iron curlicues and I'm in love. But only if the sunburst clock conveys.

Oh, there's more? Now, some of this doesn't work for me. When I get sloppy on Merlot, I don't know if I want to try to monkey with all these light fixtures. Just give me one choice and BAM on comes the light. Here I've got a pole lamp with little lanterns (3 switches, I presume, from which to choose), a table lamp, an overhead fan with three light bulbs but two pull-cords and you just know I'm going to pull the wrong one and have to get all flustered by that when the fan starts turning. Then there's the entryway light. 

And then, once I get all the lights on, I'll see myself reflected about ten-thousand times in all those mirrors. But only from the chin down. Then someone'll come swinging in through those saloon doors and I'm just going to be overcome by the absurdity of it all and spill wine all over the rug while I bust out laughing. 

Final Verdict: This place would really bring out the alcoholic in me, Honey. I don't know if that's what we really want in this stage of our marriage. Let's mark it off the list.

For Sale in Arkansas: Spanish Fortress

This house looks like a lovely Spanish villa and a bank got together and had a baby.

Yes, I'm teasing this house. But can you deny that this looks like an architectural love child between Penelope Cruz and a bank? You can't. Anyway, all it really needs is better landscaping and it wouldn't look so much like a bank. See? In this up-close pic you can tell the house is actually very nice-looking:

If you can believe it, this house is ONLY GETTING BETTER. Sure, the outside might not woo me, but INSIDE? Inside is a trove of wonders. Check out this office:

Are you seeing this? Are you seeing it? I mean, look at that room. First, it's got the faux finish all over the place. And then it's got arches near the ceiling, and the floor is the precise color and finish as the faux finish all over the walls...the only thing that could make this better is if the ceiling were also faux finished. I want the whole room to be like a big suede jewelry box, and I'm in it! 

And scroll back up and look at that LAMP! It's one of those floor lamps that reaches out across the room and this one has little nubby orange light bulbs in it. There's also some kind of brown stripper pole looking thing in that room. Before I make an offer on this house, I have to make sure the lamp conveys. 

Those windows are wonderful, but your maid is going to need a jet pack to get up there to clean them. So, just keep that in mind.

Now, look at this!

There's a cast-iron wood-burning stove with a long, long, long stovepipe. So long as to be, in my humble opinion, comical. And for crying out loud people, turn the television off before you take these realty photos! Spongebob isn't really adding to the ambiance. 

Final Verdict: This house needs too much landscaping on the outside (for my tastes) and although it has that wonderful weird tan suede room, it's not the one for me. Scratch it off the list.