For Sale: Idiocy

There is something Escher-esque about this place. I can't quite tell what it is, but something makes the atmosphere in here seem like I might fall over for no reason at all. Is it the leopard-print light globes? No, it is not. It's not the countertops, either. It's something else. It's strange, the ambiance in here. The den seems simultaneously lifted and yet strangely shallow, as if the ceilings were designed with short people in mind. In fact, the more I look at it, it seems as if I would whang my head into the ceiling over there by the fireplace. The whirring ceiling fan looks like it could chop my head off! Why'd they hang it so low?

Ohh, my gosh. Oh, oh oh. Oh my goodness. Good heavens. Are you seeing what I'm seeing? It's not that the ceiling fan is low. It's that the fireplace is high. Is that...is that a floating fireplace? What the heck is up with that? Who wants a fireplace hearth floating 12 inches off the floor? Who wants a fireplace mantel that is as high as the tops of the windows? What the hell is this?

Honey, I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that this house will still be standing unsold a year from now. That floating fireplace is the stupidest looking thing I've seen in a long time. WHY would they do this? I'm thinking the workmen did it wrong and the builder just rubbed his forehead and said, "Someone will buy it. Someone will confuse this mistake with innovation and buy the house anyway." And he may be right. But seriously. Okay, so, now the homeowner has to vacuum under this thing. Also, if there's a toddler in the family, the parents must purchase double the number of hearth bumpers. Thirdly, people are going to try to sit on that. Do you think that thing is strong enough to support the weight of people? It's going to rip right off of the wall, and then the fireplace will look even stupider, probably. What a bad, bad mistake this is.

I'm passing on this house, honey. It is definitely off the list. And every time we drive by it, from now until the end of time, I will wonder about who's living in that house and what they think of this stupid hearth. 

For Sale at Christmastime: Terrifying Fireplace

OH NO! What HAPPENED here? This gives me the heebie-jeebies. What on earth has been incinerated here? It looks like cobwebs but also kind of like someone smashed Grandpa's urn here. Or maybe a whole bunch of Grandpas. It would take more than one broken urn to leave that much dust. I'll tell you what, though. If I were Santa, I'd just skip this place. I wouldn't want to land in that.

For Sale in Arkansas: House full of Furniture that Seems Alive

This property starts off innocuous enough. Look at this perfectly normal kitchen. Aside from the tiled countertops--which I strenuously dislike--it's just fine.

But then, look! Look in the next room! Do you see them? What do you mean you don't see them? There are four of them, right there!

RIGHT. THERE. Looming in between the windows! Okay, wait. Yes, you're right. Those are curtains. I swear, they look just like those crazy black ghosts that are trying to eat Frodo in the Lord of the Rings movies.  You have to forgive me. There are so many unusual shapes in this room; I was befuddled. Look at the drapey, extra-long red velvety tablecloth on that table to the left. What's it hiding under that long skirt? And those wooden chairs to each side of the fireplace. They're so curvy that they seem like they're undulating. And the glistening stripes on the couch go without me needing to point them out.

Plus, that plant in the left-hand corner looks like dozens of fingery hands. This room is creeping me out. Here's another shot of the room:

In this one you can see that the undulating wooden chairs have some sort of pattern on them. I like that. It makes them even more unusual. And the coffee table! Look at that coffee table. It and the hearth have long talks at night. The hearth brings the atmosphere and the coffee table brings the booze.

Faux finishing on the walls and more aggressive drapes. Y'all know I love that crazy mess. I'm  captivated by the big black and silver jug on the table. After leaving that other room, that jug looks a little suspect to me. I want to know what's in it, if anything. I mean, I know they usually display these things empty, but like I said, I'm suspect.  I think a genie is in it.

These people really like shapes, don't they? Look at the shapes in those chairs, and the shapes all over the drapes and the jug itself. I feel kind of like I'm hallucinating. The chandelier with the pretend-candle lights is entirely glorious. I love gold-colored stuff in houses--doorknobs, etc--and this chandelier is just up my alley.

These drapes look friendly and Santa-Claus-ish, but they're also long and full enough for someone to hide inside of. What's most interesting about this room is the ceiling. Look up there at it! It seems to be faux-painted in reds and greens! Incidentally, that little glass-topped table looks like it's about to walk away on its nice thick legs.

Now this is gorgeous. Gorgeous! I would love to sit up here and look down at that beautiful garden area. Yep, I'd sit up here and drink my afternoon bottle of wine and next thing you know I'd roll right off of that bench that has no back and no rails around it. Crash! Right into the foliage.

Why you'd need to put one mirror against another mirror is a little beyond me, but since the imposing mirror has a nice heavy ornate gold frame, I find it acceptable. Pleasing even. And look at the fixtures. They're gold! I love them. And the picture frame in the background But look, look: WHAT IS THAT? You see it, don't you? What is that urn-thingie in the background? Why is there an urn in the bathroom? That kind of gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Okay, that's it. I firmly believe that a grown-up goth lives here.  You know the kind. She's totally not really a sad goth anymore but out of a kind of permanent nostalgia for her youth she dyes her hair a little darker than natural and wears maroon lipstick that's almost black, and her children bring their unusual pets for show-and-tell at your kid's school. Her. That's who lives here.

Final Verdict: Honey, I couldn't even examine the house. I was too mesmerized by the stuff in it. Almost all of her furniture looks like it could come to life and walk away if it wanted to.

For Sale in Arkansas: Spanish Fortress

This house looks like a lovely Spanish villa and a bank got together and had a baby.

Yes, I'm teasing this house. But can you deny that this looks like an architectural love child between Penelope Cruz and a bank? You can't. Anyway, all it really needs is better landscaping and it wouldn't look so much like a bank. See? In this up-close pic you can tell the house is actually very nice-looking:

If you can believe it, this house is ONLY GETTING BETTER. Sure, the outside might not woo me, but INSIDE? Inside is a trove of wonders. Check out this office:

Are you seeing this? Are you seeing it? I mean, look at that room. First, it's got the faux finish all over the place. And then it's got arches near the ceiling, and the floor is the precise color and finish as the faux finish all over the walls...the only thing that could make this better is if the ceiling were also faux finished. I want the whole room to be like a big suede jewelry box, and I'm in it! 

And scroll back up and look at that LAMP! It's one of those floor lamps that reaches out across the room and this one has little nubby orange light bulbs in it. There's also some kind of brown stripper pole looking thing in that room. Before I make an offer on this house, I have to make sure the lamp conveys. 

Those windows are wonderful, but your maid is going to need a jet pack to get up there to clean them. So, just keep that in mind.

Now, look at this!

There's a cast-iron wood-burning stove with a long, long, long stovepipe. So long as to be, in my humble opinion, comical. And for crying out loud people, turn the television off before you take these realty photos! Spongebob isn't really adding to the ambiance. 

Final Verdict: This house needs too much landscaping on the outside (for my tastes) and although it has that wonderful weird tan suede room, it's not the one for me. Scratch it off the list.