For Sale at Christmastime: A New Angle on Life

This house will really change things for us, honey. I can tell. Here, perch on this dining room chair with me. Wait, I want to shove it into the corner first. Now, isn't that a beautiful view of the den? It's the same view the realtor captured in the photos. I could just stand on this chair in this corner for the rest of our lives. 

Come on over here, sweetie. Crouch on the floor behind this potted plant with me and look back over there, where we were. Just think. If this was our home, we could play this little game all day. I'll stand on the chair in the corner and you crouch behind this plant. Oh, you're right. The furniture won't convey. Well, that's okay. We'll have our own furniture and potted plants to climb on and crouch behind. 

Look, a hall bathroom! No, I don't want to see inside of the room. Just knowing it exists is enough. I glimpse a toilet. I'm sure it's fine. If there was anything worth seeing in there, the realtor would have photographed it. Right?

Baby, you can't even imagine the way we're going to contort in order to see our new stairwell from this angle. I'm sure if the realtor could do it, we can too. No, I don't know how to levitate. Shut up; there's got to be a way. Maybe she was balancing on the railing. What? You think her body falling from the railing is probably what caused all that cracking on the floor below? Don't be silly. That tile is done that way on purpose, and if she'd fallen and broken all the bones in her body there's no way she'd have had the willpower to upload all these photos.

And yes, it does seem like a lot of doors and doorways all crammed into one four-foot-square area, now that you mention it.

What a beautiful yard. I think she must have been dangling from the DirecTV satellite. Here, hold my purse; I'm going to try it. What? Let go of me. Oh, shoot. The window-screen is screwed in place. Nevermind. She must have scaled up the outside of the house to get the shot.

No, I don't want to go out into the yard to squat by the air conditioner. It might charge at me. Look at its little cup-legs! I wonder if it is related to R2D2. R2D2 was pretty sensible, wasn't he? If so, that bodes well for this air conditioner.

Final verdict: It's a nice place, honey. I like it. We'd have to repaint some rooms, purchase a tiny palm tree for the den, and possibly never use the bathrooms, but I like it. Put it on the list!

For Sale in Arkansas: The House of Weird Photos

Hi! Are you thinking about buying this house? Here's what you'll see when you open the front door, but only if you open it just a little bit, like you're kind of timid and you don't want the water man to see what-all's going on inside your den.

This spacious den features an assortment of small tables and one orange chair.

Do you know what that orange chair is for?

It's for sitting all alone in the den and watching your family while they gather round the kitchen table and enjoy each others' company. Look at 'em there, sitting in their cool zebra-print dining chairs, smiling and chatting and eating their dinners like all is right in the world. Slouch back into your orange chair just a little bit more, and splay your legs out in front of you across the white area rug. Clink the ice in your bourbon a little bit and narrow your eyes. Smoking is optional.

OKAY, okay, I'l be fair: it's probable that these people had already moved their sofas out of the house for some reason and had to stage the room the best they could with just this one orange chair. But...it's odd. I love the orange paint in the dining area (it's very hard to find a nice orange paint, and orange is my favorite color so I'd know) and the house overall is lovely.

Final Verdict: I'll make an offer if both the orange chair and the zebra dining set convey.

For Sale in Arkansas: House with Adorable Nursery

This place has got some lovely decor. I'm serious. The people who live here have "an eye," as they say.

I mean, look at this child's room. It looks like it came from a magazine:

Here's a nicely done kitchen. Only if the washboard conveys! If you don't make a legal commitment to leave it behind, we're walking away from this deal.

Here's what Husband and I refer to as a "Proclamation Deck." Husband is always on the lookout for a good proclamation deck when he's shopping for properties. From up there, he could stand and address his people, who would, of course, all be gathered below, in rapt attention.

Final verdict: I'd put it on the list, as long as they leave the washboard and everything in the nursery. I don't care that the nursery is full of memories that the homeowners would probably like to take with them, and that I no longer have an infant. That nursery is perfect and should be left intact.