For Sale at Thanksgiving: We Could Make a Life Here

Yeah, man. This is the pad. I mean, the rent is right. Bill used to live in this house, but he's gone now, off adjuncting somewhere, but I'm still here and the Graduate Teaching Assistantship pays the bills, yanowhatimean. Well, my paycheck combined with Susan's, that is.

Yep, this is the place. I can't wait to move my stuff in to this room and start really creating. Look at this space! It's inspiring. Those little windows are awesome. One opens up into nothing--just a piece of board with some cloth hanging over it--and the other one opens into the kitchen. Like a pass-through.  Speaking of passing, can you pass that back to me? Thanks.

Check it: that's my hat. When I wear that hat and shuffle around this house with a whiskey and water in my hand, I get the sensation, you know? The spirit of the writer. Susan insisted on those bedside tables. They're nice, though.

Here's the kitchen. Susan's always saying the cabinets are too low and she can't see what she's doing when she's trying to make things on the countertop. Hey, nothing's perfect, right? And it's not like she's cooking anything complex; I mean, how closely do you have to examine a kale salad? You just throw the stuff in the bowl, really.

Hey, maybe you can settle this debate. Do you think that used to be a window, there, in between the other two windows? Susan says yes, but I think it was an artistic choice to design the wall that way. 

And yes, the piece de resistance: look at this yard. Can you imagine the parties we'll have out here? I have real visions for this piece of land. I'm going to fix up those little toolsheds and rake and get everything set up just perfectly. 

Final Verdict: Honey, remember grad school? It all came back a little too vividly when I looked at the pictures of this house. Let's mark it off the list.

For Sale at Thanksgiving: Let's Feast

Perch here with your loved one and enjoy the festivities of the season. Pinch your plastic cup between your knees as you balance an overloaded paper plate of... Oh, come on; let's stop pretending. You're alone. You don't even have a table. There's nobody perched in that chair next to you and you're eating a Lean Cuisine. It's that time of the year again. Gobble, gobble, blah.

But all hope is not lost. Put your TV dinner on the empty chair next to you, go into the kitchen and use the can opener to pry the lid from some discount kitty food. Slop it into the cat's bowl, and voila! Instant holiday companionship.

For Sale at Thanksgiving: Who's Bringing the Wine?

Yes, please. Have you ever seen such striking carpet? That color is called "Wine," I believe.  I enjoy guzzling wine, but I usually choose white because after I get sloppy and spill wine all over the rug, nobody notices. This would allow me to drink Merlot and slosh it all over the place if I wanted to. I like that idea. Combine that carpet with the filigree iron curlicues and I'm in love. But only if the sunburst clock conveys.

Oh, there's more? Now, some of this doesn't work for me. When I get sloppy on Merlot, I don't know if I want to try to monkey with all these light fixtures. Just give me one choice and BAM on comes the light. Here I've got a pole lamp with little lanterns (3 switches, I presume, from which to choose), a table lamp, an overhead fan with three light bulbs but two pull-cords and you just know I'm going to pull the wrong one and have to get all flustered by that when the fan starts turning. Then there's the entryway light. 

And then, once I get all the lights on, I'll see myself reflected about ten-thousand times in all those mirrors. But only from the chin down. Then someone'll come swinging in through those saloon doors and I'm just going to be overcome by the absurdity of it all and spill wine all over the rug while I bust out laughing. 

Final Verdict: This place would really bring out the alcoholic in me, Honey. I don't know if that's what we really want in this stage of our marriage. Let's mark it off the list.

For Sale at Halloween: Window to Another Universe

Do you like ghostly apparitions? You'll see an apparition of yourself and every entering houseguest in this foggy, golden-streaked portal to the otherworld. Just imagine: in this universe you're fumbling with your keys...and in their universe, your mirror-image doppelganger is also fumbling with the keys. It's kind of mind-blowing, isn't it?

For Sale in Arkansas: Conversation Pieces

Buyers! These dramatic stairs are a conversation piece! Just think of the conversations you'll be having with yourself when your little dog refuses to come in at night after his potty break. You'll be saying all sorts of words while you tumble down these stairs in the darkness in your quest to bring him back in.

When you're lying at the bottom, with a broken leg and no cellphone because it's recharging in the kitchen, you can look up at the house and holler for your wife. She'll be irritated that you're taking so long to find the dog, but she won't come out looking for you for at least 30 minutes. Even then, she'll just crack the back door open and yell out into the darkness, demanding to know what's taking so long. Then, when she hears your anguished cries, she'll come down the stairs carefully and scold you for getting injured. That's how it works, you know. This will be your view as you watch her angelic form descending the deadly stairs.

Weeks later, after you've put this house with all it's bone-breaking memories up for sale, you'll be looking for properties in adjacent neighborhoods and you'll find this:

That's a giant rock. A rock in the rec room. Now THAT's a conversation piece.

For Sale in Arkansas: House full of Furniture that Seems Alive

This property starts off innocuous enough. Look at this perfectly normal kitchen. Aside from the tiled countertops--which I strenuously dislike--it's just fine.

But then, look! Look in the next room! Do you see them? What do you mean you don't see them? There are four of them, right there!

RIGHT. THERE. Looming in between the windows! Okay, wait. Yes, you're right. Those are curtains. I swear, they look just like those crazy black ghosts that are trying to eat Frodo in the Lord of the Rings movies.  You have to forgive me. There are so many unusual shapes in this room; I was befuddled. Look at the drapey, extra-long red velvety tablecloth on that table to the left. What's it hiding under that long skirt? And those wooden chairs to each side of the fireplace. They're so curvy that they seem like they're undulating. And the glistening stripes on the couch go without me needing to point them out.

Plus, that plant in the left-hand corner looks like dozens of fingery hands. This room is creeping me out. Here's another shot of the room:

In this one you can see that the undulating wooden chairs have some sort of pattern on them. I like that. It makes them even more unusual. And the coffee table! Look at that coffee table. It and the hearth have long talks at night. The hearth brings the atmosphere and the coffee table brings the booze.

Faux finishing on the walls and more aggressive drapes. Y'all know I love that crazy mess. I'm  captivated by the big black and silver jug on the table. After leaving that other room, that jug looks a little suspect to me. I want to know what's in it, if anything. I mean, I know they usually display these things empty, but like I said, I'm suspect.  I think a genie is in it.

These people really like shapes, don't they? Look at the shapes in those chairs, and the shapes all over the drapes and the jug itself. I feel kind of like I'm hallucinating. The chandelier with the pretend-candle lights is entirely glorious. I love gold-colored stuff in houses--doorknobs, etc--and this chandelier is just up my alley.

These drapes look friendly and Santa-Claus-ish, but they're also long and full enough for someone to hide inside of. What's most interesting about this room is the ceiling. Look up there at it! It seems to be faux-painted in reds and greens! Incidentally, that little glass-topped table looks like it's about to walk away on its nice thick legs.

Now this is gorgeous. Gorgeous! I would love to sit up here and look down at that beautiful garden area. Yep, I'd sit up here and drink my afternoon bottle of wine and next thing you know I'd roll right off of that bench that has no back and no rails around it. Crash! Right into the foliage.

Why you'd need to put one mirror against another mirror is a little beyond me, but since the imposing mirror has a nice heavy ornate gold frame, I find it acceptable. Pleasing even. And look at the fixtures. They're gold! I love them. And the picture frame in the background But look, look: WHAT IS THAT? You see it, don't you? What is that urn-thingie in the background? Why is there an urn in the bathroom? That kind of gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Okay, that's it. I firmly believe that a grown-up goth lives here.  You know the kind. She's totally not really a sad goth anymore but out of a kind of permanent nostalgia for her youth she dyes her hair a little darker than natural and wears maroon lipstick that's almost black, and her children bring their unusual pets for show-and-tell at your kid's school. Her. That's who lives here.

Final Verdict: Honey, I couldn't even examine the house. I was too mesmerized by the stuff in it. Almost all of her furniture looks like it could come to life and walk away if it wanted to.

For Sale in Arkansas: The House of Weird Photos

Hi! Are you thinking about buying this house? Here's what you'll see when you open the front door, but only if you open it just a little bit, like you're kind of timid and you don't want the water man to see what-all's going on inside your den.

This spacious den features an assortment of small tables and one orange chair.

Do you know what that orange chair is for?

It's for sitting all alone in the den and watching your family while they gather round the kitchen table and enjoy each others' company. Look at 'em there, sitting in their cool zebra-print dining chairs, smiling and chatting and eating their dinners like all is right in the world. Slouch back into your orange chair just a little bit more, and splay your legs out in front of you across the white area rug. Clink the ice in your bourbon a little bit and narrow your eyes. Smoking is optional.

OKAY, okay, I'l be fair: it's probable that these people had already moved their sofas out of the house for some reason and had to stage the room the best they could with just this one orange chair. But...it's odd. I love the orange paint in the dining area (it's very hard to find a nice orange paint, and orange is my favorite color so I'd know) and the house overall is lovely.

Final Verdict: I'll make an offer if both the orange chair and the zebra dining set convey.