For Sale: Idiocy

There is something Escher-esque about this place. I can't quite tell what it is, but something makes the atmosphere in here seem like I might fall over for no reason at all. Is it the leopard-print light globes? No, it is not. It's not the countertops, either. It's something else. It's strange, the ambiance in here. The den seems simultaneously lifted and yet strangely shallow, as if the ceilings were designed with short people in mind. In fact, the more I look at it, it seems as if I would whang my head into the ceiling over there by the fireplace. The whirring ceiling fan looks like it could chop my head off! Why'd they hang it so low?

Ohh, my gosh. Oh, oh oh. Oh my goodness. Good heavens. Are you seeing what I'm seeing? It's not that the ceiling fan is low. It's that the fireplace is high. Is that...is that a floating fireplace? What the heck is up with that? Who wants a fireplace hearth floating 12 inches off the floor? Who wants a fireplace mantel that is as high as the tops of the windows? What the hell is this?

Honey, I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that this house will still be standing unsold a year from now. That floating fireplace is the stupidest looking thing I've seen in a long time. WHY would they do this? I'm thinking the workmen did it wrong and the builder just rubbed his forehead and said, "Someone will buy it. Someone will confuse this mistake with innovation and buy the house anyway." And he may be right. But seriously. Okay, so, now the homeowner has to vacuum under this thing. Also, if there's a toddler in the family, the parents must purchase double the number of hearth bumpers. Thirdly, people are going to try to sit on that. Do you think that thing is strong enough to support the weight of people? It's going to rip right off of the wall, and then the fireplace will look even stupider, probably. What a bad, bad mistake this is.

I'm passing on this house, honey. It is definitely off the list. And every time we drive by it, from now until the end of time, I will wonder about who's living in that house and what they think of this stupid hearth.