For Sale: Idiocy

There is something Escher-esque about this place. I can't quite tell what it is, but something makes the atmosphere in here seem like I might fall over for no reason at all. Is it the leopard-print light globes? No, it is not. It's not the countertops, either. It's something else. It's strange, the ambiance in here. The den seems simultaneously lifted and yet strangely shallow, as if the ceilings were designed with short people in mind. In fact, the more I look at it, it seems as if I would whang my head into the ceiling over there by the fireplace. The whirring ceiling fan looks like it could chop my head off! Why'd they hang it so low?

Ohh, my gosh. Oh, oh oh. Oh my goodness. Good heavens. Are you seeing what I'm seeing? It's not that the ceiling fan is low. It's that the fireplace is high. Is that...is that a floating fireplace? What the heck is up with that? Who wants a fireplace hearth floating 12 inches off the floor? Who wants a fireplace mantel that is as high as the tops of the windows? What the hell is this?

Honey, I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that this house will still be standing unsold a year from now. That floating fireplace is the stupidest looking thing I've seen in a long time. WHY would they do this? I'm thinking the workmen did it wrong and the builder just rubbed his forehead and said, "Someone will buy it. Someone will confuse this mistake with innovation and buy the house anyway." And he may be right. But seriously. Okay, so, now the homeowner has to vacuum under this thing. Also, if there's a toddler in the family, the parents must purchase double the number of hearth bumpers. Thirdly, people are going to try to sit on that. Do you think that thing is strong enough to support the weight of people? It's going to rip right off of the wall, and then the fireplace will look even stupider, probably. What a bad, bad mistake this is.

I'm passing on this house, honey. It is definitely off the list. And every time we drive by it, from now until the end of time, I will wonder about who's living in that house and what they think of this stupid hearth. 

For Sale in Summertime: Fabulous Chandeliers

Darling, sometimes a woman just wants something ~special~ in her house. Something to make it more magnificent, you know? I know we're not made of money. I'm not asking for the Taj Mahal. But some special touches could be nice. Like, have a look at this room, honey. The furniture is average--unusually informal for a formal dining room, in fact--but there's something else, some decor element that really kicks it up a notch despite the pipe-and-velour chairs. It's the chandelier. See how that really adds some flair? And look at that white carpet. One doesn't commit to white carpet unless one knows she is planning on keeping the place pristine. I can keep a house pristine. Shut up.

Anyway, I was thinking, the lady who has put this place up for sale really recognized something awesome in that chandelier, because she has one in the formal den, too.  All the furniture in here is lovely and funky. Kind of sad that formal dens are going the way of the Dodo. That chandelier is like the ice cubes in the bourbon, isn't it? I think I love these chandeliers. And white carpet in here, too. I wonder how pristine the dog's paws are after he comes in from the yard. Well, the carpets are probably scotch-guarded, right?

Wow. Yes, I admit it: I'm surprised by this. A crystal chandelier in the kitchen nook? And with gold accents, too. That really is a bit decadent, isn't it? Hmm. Yes, I agree, honey. That might be one chandelier too many. Sure, sure. If we buy this house, you can take that one down.

Oh, for crying out loud. A chandelier in the bedroom? Well, it looks like it was a child's bedroom. Little girls often love that frilly, princessy stuff. I mean, she was probably so enamored by the chandeliers in the common rooms that she begged for one for in here. We'll ask our child if she wants it. If not, by all means, take it down. It has just occurred to me that someone has to dust these things and that someone is me. The fewer intricate glass chandeliers I have to dust, the better.  Plus, how much illumination did this child need? I spy a bedside lamp AND sconces. Are those real sconces with real wax candles in them? I hope the little dear was never allowed to light those.

All right. This is. It's just. Yes. Take it down. In fact, I'm starting to think I want them all to come down. If we make an offer on the house, maybe we should suggest the owner take these with her. I'm starting to think she must be a Chandelier-Maker's Daughter and these things must have sentimental value to her or something.

No, honey, there were no shots of the light fixtures in the bathrooms or kitchen.